Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of its characters
and make no money from this. Masashi Kishimoto does.
...
Phase Four
To heal, you must
bargain
...
Finding a
disheveled and tired-looking Sakura at his doorstep hadn't been what he
expected when Kakashi woke up. Sure, his slumber had been disturbed by the
sound of someone knocking on the door, but that didn't mean it could have been
Sakura. Not after the previous night. From her current appearance, he was
pretty certain she had gotten even less sleep than he had, if any at all.
Ignoring the confusion that her visit raised, he stepped aside to let the girl
enter his apartment.
The
kunoichi walked by him without uttering a greeting, or any word for that
matter, and headed straight for his bed to sit on it. Kakashi followed her and
dropped on the mattress beside her, irritated by the goosebumps that rose on
his exposed skin yet too lazy to retrieve a shirt. Leaning his arms on his
knees and slouching as usual, the Copy Nin decided to remain silent. Whether it
was out of exhaustion, frustration or patience, he couldn't tell. Maybe it was
from all three. He was pretty certain his rest had been cut short after barely
two hours and he simply didn't know how to deal with his teammate anymore.
Patience was a quality often pinned to him, but that didn't mean it was
bottomless.
"Why
would you want to be with me?" Sakura asked, breaking the heavy silence.
"I
have no answer to that," Kakashi replied honestly, leaning his cheek on
his fist.
How did one
fall in love and start wishing to live the rest of eternity with someone? All
he knew was that he wanted her, desired a different kind of bond and
relationship with her. Did that even mean he hoped she would be the mother of
his kids? Did he even want kids to start with? Discouraged by every question
that assaulted his mind, the male jonin slouched further under the massive
weight his mind had just dropped on him.
"Why
tell me you love me if you can't even say what makes you want to be with
me?" His companion whispered, stubbornly staring at his desk and avoiding
his gaze.
"I
don't know why I love you, Sakura," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes with his
thumb and index. "But it doesn't change what I feel. Do you really think
it can be explained?"
"How
could you fall in love so easily?" Sakura spat, vehemence seeping into her
voice unexpectedly. "You've been single for well over a decade, you can't
just start loving me like this!"
Kakashi
could only blink in reply and stare at her. While it was true that he hadn't
fallen in love for so long that he'd firmly believed his heart was barred from
Cupid's list, he had come to accept that this was false. The only explanation
to the warmth that enveloped him when he was with Sakura was that he was in
love with her. Why else would he want to spend so much time with her, never
want to see her cry, prize her safety and happiness even above Konoha's safety?
Every time he forced himself to repeat the sentence, to say he loved her, the
statement became easier to embrace. Escaping a fact never rendered it false.
Admitting its existence could be painful, without a doubt, but as time passed
and healed wounds, it became comforting. Instead of continously running and
hiding, you could rest.
"It
wasn't easy to fall in love with you," Kakashi answered truthfully,
shattering the last of his barriers. He loved her. "It took a long time.
Over the years, you just brought down every barrier I keep around people. That
allowed me to relax around you, to build something deeper with you."
"That
just doesn't make sense!" she exclaimed as she sprang to her feet and put
her hands on her hips. Before he could question her logic, she continued,
"It's just lust. That's what it is."
"What?"
he gasped. "That's ridiculous," he growled as he stood up and forced
her to face him. "Who do you think I am? I can tell the difference between
lust and love." His voice raised against his own will, the beignnings of
anger brewing in the pit of his stomach. How could she pin him as that kind of
man? "We had sex. Even if I would be such a fool, don't you think that
would have satisfied me?"
Sakura
looked away from him, refusing to meet his gaze and chewing on her lip instead.
Certainly, she was fighting an internal battle that she was losing, that he
prevented her from winning. The embers that were lit barely a moment back died
down and Kakashi's shoulders dropped. Why she couldn't simply accept his
affection was beyond him. Did she believe she was not worthy of being loved?
"Sakura..."
he called softly, placing a hand that should have been comforting on her
shoulder, only to have her shrug it off and wince. "You don't have to
return my feelings. I can understand, but please stop this nonsense."
"What
nonsense?" she asked, frowning and taking a defensive step back.
"Why
can't you accept that I love you?"
"How
could I not?" she screeched, throwing her hands in the air. "What
does someone like you find in me if it's not for sex? I'm fourteen years
younger, you were my sensei, you... you..."
"I
what, Sakura?" he answered, crossing his arms on his chest. "What do
I need to do to prove to you that it's real?"
"I
need to know why," she whispered before plopping down on his bed as her
hands flew up to cover her face, which did little to cover the scent of the
tears that surely spilled from her eyes.
"You're
a wonderful woman, Sakura," Kakashi explained. "I'm comfortable with
you."
"C-comfortable?!"
she shrieked as she pulled herself in a sitting position, glaring at him.
"That's it? That's your definition of love?"
He flinched
at her response, regretting his choice of words.
"You
misunderstand," he insisted, shaking his head. "There is no one else
that I wish to open up to. You're special to me, in more ways than one, no
matter how hard that is to believe. I couldn't understand either for a long
time. But I do now, and I need to try."
"Need
to try what?" she inquired, once more avoiding the heart of the subject.
"I
could have stayed silent about all of this," Kakashi started, unable to
look at her as he spoke. "I probably would have, if this mission hadn't
been..." What had this mission been? Hard, heartbreaking, sickening,
disgusting, enranging... Was there a word for the anxiety and despair he felt?
"I lost control over myself, and I told you something that I felt without
even realizing it was ever there. I fought it, I ignored it, but now it's said,
it's out there. I would probably regret it for the rest of my days if I acted
as if it had never happened." The words escaped his lips, any filter he
might have had torn before he could save it. "I have to try to be with
you. Or at least, I have to make you happy."
New tears
welled up in Sakura's pretty eyes and he could see her lips quivering as she
tried to keep it together. He ached for her, he desperately wished he could go
back in time and force her off the mission and request a different teammate. In
the end, he was aware that someone else would have suffered the same fate,
possibly dying in the process and failing the mission. It was selfish; just
like offering Konoha's secrets for her safety.
"How
could you?" she rasped, voice strained and uneven. "You saw what he
did to me. You know all that I've done to succeed on this mission." She
looked up at him, her bright eyes pleading him to do something. "Why would
you love me after this?"
"What
are you talking about?" the Copy Nin whispered, genuiely confused.
"Your behavior was exemplary."
"I
gave myself to two men," she sobbed as she grasped the sides of her head.
"An innocent kid died because of it. And the other... The other, he-"
Sakura's sentence was cut short as she broke into a series of sobs and cries,
tears running down her cheeks as she without a doubt relived the events.
Kakashi was
rooted to the spot. A new sense of dread and despair formed in his abdomen
while his instinct screamed at him to run, to forget all this even if he
yearned to hold and comfort her. He was torn between the good intention of wanting
to console her and the all too tempting
voice that whispered he only hurt her, that if he left her alone she
would heal.
What was
he? Was he meant to be her lover, the one who would help her stand on her own
two feet through this, or was he only the selfish man that desired a woman he
could only cause pain to?
"Is
that what being a kunoichi is?" she asked, pratically gasping for breath
between her sobs. "How can I be okay? How could a man want me when he
knows what I have to do?"
She was
looking up at him, eyes full of expectation, as if he possessed the perfect
answer when in truth he had no idea what to reply. Kunoichi avoided breaching this subject and
with men in particular. This aspect of their career was kept a secret. They
rarely whispered a word about it, preferring to act as if it didn't exist. Now
that he witnessed the mess it had made of his usually lively Sakura, he
understood why.
He hardly
knew how to deal with this himself. A woman would not be spared from this just
becase she was in a relationship. In the end, it was up to her if the situation
came up in a mission. Yet, if word got out that an opportunity to help Konoha
had been lost because the kunoichi had valued her body more than her own
village, she would be ridiculed. Either way, she was trapped.
"After
this, how can you still want me?" she whispered quietly. "How can you
still want me when you saw him putting his filthy hands on me? Can you just
forget that image?"
He
couldn't. He could never. Even if Koroku was dead now, Kakashi's hands still
twitched with the desire to tear the man apart himself and make him regret ever
hurting his teammate.
"I'm
disgusting," Sakura rasped as she wrapped her arms around her small body,
allowing fresh tears to flow and new sobs to shake her frame.
Kakashi's
jaw dropped as he finally understood what was making Sakura suffer so much, why
she couldn't believe that a man would love her.
"Sakura,"
he murmured as he stepped closer to her. "You're not disgusting. You were
raped." The word left a rancid taste on his tongue, but it had to be said.
"I can't forget, because I will never forgive him. When I look at you
though... Sakura, this changes nothing. You're the same woman, I can't discard
you because of this."
"How
can this change nothing?" she asked, narrowing her eyes. "It's like
I'm dirty now. No matter how much I bathe, it's still there! It won't go
away!"
"You
just need to heal, Sakura," Kakashi tried to console, unable to comprehend
what she was saying. No man could understand what it was like. "No sane
man will refuse you because of this."
"It
ruins everything! Everything!" she cried out, slamming her palms down on
the mattress. "I worked so hard to become strong! Just to measure up to
you guys, but now... I can't let them know. But I know that you and Tsunade
know what happened. You'll pity me for the rest of my life," she ground
out. "It's not fair that he could ruin all of it just like that!"
"Sakura,
you've got it all wrong," Kakashi replied as he knelt down to be at her
eye level. "If anything, I'm amazed by you. You were incredible on that
mission. While I lost sight of the objective, you remained focused. You're the
only reason this mission wasn't a miserable failure. I'm impressed by you. You
kept yourself together and you did what was necessary for the good of the
village."
The
compliment was true, even if it pained him to admit. He was riddled with guilt
over allowing her to do what she had to do in order to make it successful, but
he knew it was only right. They were shinobi, he was supposed to put the
mission before everything else. He couldn't put it before her life, but losing
sight of their goal only because she was suffering...
"That's
not true," she argued meekly. "I didn't keep it together. I cried, I
panicked, I..."
"Stop
it," Kakashi ordered as he gripped her shoulders. "Your promotion to
jonin is fully deserved and I won't let you think otherwise. You're a
formidable kunoichi, in every aspect."
"But-"
"No
buts," he interrupted. "It's only normal to for you not to be okay
after such traumatizing events. On the mission, you were perfect. Let yourself
hurt and heal now, you're home. It's okay."
"Are
you really still proud of me after seeing me break down like this?" she
asked bitterly as she wiped her cheeks with the back of her hands.
"Yes,"
he answered firmly, giving her his trademark smile.
"Kakashi-sensei..."
she sniffed, placing a hand on his arm.
"I
love you, Sakura," he whispered as he let his arms slide down to her hips,
eye locking with hers.
The sweet
words sent the girl in another silent spell and she dropped his gaze. The hand
on his arm tightened its hold slightly and she bit her lip absent-mindedly,
making him wonder just what she was thinking about.
"It's
okay if you don't want to answer right now," Kakashi reassured. "You
can take your time to think about it, I'll be there when you're ready to talk
about it." After a moment of thought, he added, "If you decide that
you don't return my feelings, then I'll do my best to make things go back to
normal. It'll be like before. As long as you're in my life, I'll be fine with
your decision. Okay, Sakura?"
"Okay,"
she replied, nodding her head.
After a
moment, she pushed herself off the bed and into his embrace, whispering a thank
you in the process. For the few seconds it lasted, Kakashi revelled in her
warmth, tangling his fingers in her hair and pressing his cheek to it while he
held her tightly. He was prepared to be turned down, even if it wouldn't make
it less painful. He would be able to be her friend if that was what she
desired.
"I
should probably go now," Sakura said as she pulled away from him to stand
up. "I'm sorry to have woken you up."
"No
problem, Sakura," he replied and offered her another warm smile. "I'm
glad you came."
Just as she
stepped in the hallway, his hand shot out to grab her wrist, directed by his
sudden sadness of watching her go. He could stall her for a few more seconds,
couldn't he?
"There's
just one thing that you have to do for me, Sakura," he let out as he
pulled her into his arms again. "Never doubt how I feel for you."
"Okay,"
she answered and nodded again. She sounded confident, which lifted Kakashi's
spirits greatly. Maybe he had been able to cheer her up a little, after all.
After
giving his chest a slight nudge with her cheek, she broke away from him and
turned to leave, sparing him a glance as she hesitated to take the first step.
Kakashi's lips curled in a small smile as he raised his hand in a good bye
motion.
awww..! i've read all of this and the original in the past few hours. please write more, it's so good. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm happy you enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteI'll try and add more to it soon... I'm currently having a little trouble with this story, but I swear I'll finish it! I can't stand having another unfinished project, haha.